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Unrelated to photography
Today was a wake up call. I have been a bit too carefree when it comes to my health. The only real issue that I have always had was my weight. I was always a bigger guy but had the personality to where that really didn't matter. I never had a problem when it came to meeting women once I get over my initial shyness but today... Today really slapped me in the face.
I went to my doctor for my annual check up because I had a list of things to hash out. The major one was my weight but I wasn't expecting what I saw. They weighed me in and my heart just sunk. I can't explain why I have gotten this bad other than procrastination and laziness. I look at pictures of myself back in the day and look at myself in the mirror and feel sick to my stomach. Seeing how much my weight was today made me want to crawl in a hole and die.
The more I think about it, the more I question a lot of things about myself. How could anyone find me even the least bit attractive? I don't have an ugly face but to me the rest of me is just disgusting. I think the main cause of my decline was when I lost my wife and got divorced. At that point I really quit giving a shit and part of me still doesn't care. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I have nothing to live for, sometimes I go go bed and wish that I would never wake up. I would never do harm to myself, but now that I think about it, my habits have done me harm in many ways.
I have let things get so bad and I just wish I could close my eyes, open them up, and have it all be gone. The most difficult thing will be finding the motivation to start bettering things but I am starting to realize that either I start doing something soon or I may just fall over dead one day from a heart attack or other health problem. But even then, part of me still doesn't give a fuck anymore and I hate it. I sat there in the doctors office waiting for the doctor to come in and was trying to fight back tears. I am so disgusted with myself and still at the same time have thoughts of "whatever, maybe I'll be dead in a year". I really wish I knew what to do, where to start, how to do it, etc. My "girlfriend" always tells me that I am too codependent when it comes to that aspect of things, that I shouldn't need anyone to help motivate me and that it is all up to me. While she is right for the most part, I don't think she fully understands or cares. It just gives her a reason to bitch at me for something.
So with that said, I really am at a loss of words or what to do. Something needs to happen one way or another. On a positive note, I got a little curious and did a spell check on this. No errors. At least that's one thing I have always been good at...
I went to my doctor for my annual check up because I had a list of things to hash out. The major one was my weight but I wasn't expecting what I saw. They weighed me in and my heart just sunk. I can't explain why I have gotten this bad other than procrastination and laziness. I look at pictures of myself back in the day and look at myself in the mirror and feel sick to my stomach. Seeing how much my weight was today made me want to crawl in a hole and die.
The more I think about it, the more I question a lot of things about myself. How could anyone find me even the least bit attractive? I don't have an ugly face but to me the rest of me is just disgusting. I think the main cause of my decline was when I lost my wife and got divorced. At that point I really quit giving a shit and part of me still doesn't care. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I have nothing to live for, sometimes I go go bed and wish that I would never wake up. I would never do harm to myself, but now that I think about it, my habits have done me harm in many ways.
I have let things get so bad and I just wish I could close my eyes, open them up, and have it all be gone. The most difficult thing will be finding the motivation to start bettering things but I am starting to realize that either I start doing something soon or I may just fall over dead one day from a heart attack or other health problem. But even then, part of me still doesn't give a fuck anymore and I hate it. I sat there in the doctors office waiting for the doctor to come in and was trying to fight back tears. I am so disgusted with myself and still at the same time have thoughts of "whatever, maybe I'll be dead in a year". I really wish I knew what to do, where to start, how to do it, etc. My "girlfriend" always tells me that I am too codependent when it comes to that aspect of things, that I shouldn't need anyone to help motivate me and that it is all up to me. While she is right for the most part, I don't think she fully understands or cares. It just gives her a reason to bitch at me for something.
So with that said, I really am at a loss of words or what to do. Something needs to happen one way or another. On a positive note, I got a little curious and did a spell check on this. No errors. At least that's one thing I have always been good at...
You gotta just start trying things. It takes time and practice and screwing up lots, usually, to make good habits for yourself. It takes experimenting to see what'll work for you. It takes breaking things down into small pieces and figuring out how you can accomplish each little thing. It takes being good to yourself. It takes patience and acceptance.
And there's nothing wrong with asking for help.
It almost sounds a bit unhealthy though. I know I need to start walking at the very minimum for around 30 minutes every other day as a start, then increase the frequency and potentially the time, like 45 or 60 minutes every other day and increase the frequency, etc.
I also need to quit smoking something that I shouldn't be smoking. It doesn't start with C, and it's not because I'm using Marlboro as a side joke. I don't smoke any cigarettes or cigars. Yep, imagination time. :x
You gotta quit that shit. ;)