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I feel like a worthless asshole
I really don't know where to begin. It's been a long time since I have posted anything in here and I don't really have anything to post. My health is still fucked, I feel fucked in the head. I have been feeling so depressed lately upon my other problems. Pain in my stomach, pain in my side, feeling nauseated, dizzy, unattached from the world, spaced out, etc... I don't feel like myself anymore. I am not a happy person and haven't been for a while. It is mainly my health. Sure, I am upset and irritated with my job but that is the least of my problems. Work isn't really all that bad. It's the stress of everything else that makes it so bad. The thoughts I have been having. Not good. All I do is keep myself locked up in my room. I hardly eat, I sleep entirely too much. I have been puking off and on today for whatever reason.
This needs to change. I want to go back to my old self. I want to be happy again. I am tired of feeling suicidal, tired of feeling like not wanting to wake up. I won't hurt myself in any way intentionally, but all I want is for this to end. I haven't been able to really do anything that I like. My photography is pretty much non existent. I have lost the desire to to do anything with my camera. I have considered selling all of my gear and calling it quits but it is easy to think like that when you feel you have nothing. I feel that way a lot even though I know that it isn't true. It just seems that things pile up on me and keep piling up on me. I am lucky to have to good friends and roommates who genuinely care and have stuck by me regardless of my shortcomings or failure to keep promises when I haven't been feeling good. My girlfriend is amazing and cares for me so much and would do just about anything she could. My family is the same way.
But they can't fix this. I don't feel I can fix this. I know there are things that need to be done and I am doing what I can to do it. I am afraid of losing my job because of this. If that happens, I have no idea what the hell is going to happen next. I don't want to move to Bend and start over again. I don't want to leave behind 3 great people, 1 of them being the woman that I love very much. I can't do this to her. But what do I do? It's so hard. I have been watching stuff on the internet about things happening to people wishing it would happen to me. Sometimes I look so hard for a reason not to exist that it disgusts me. I hate the number of pills I have to take on a daily basis when I feel they do me no good. The anti depressants I am on... I think they are doing me more harm than good. Ultimately I feel lost, broken, confused, sad, worthless, used up, and dead to the world.
There's so much that I keep to myself because I just don't want to burden people with it. I can't really eat much and haven't been eating much. I used to have problems sleeping but I have had a problem with sleeping too much. I have no drive, no motivation, no fight left in me. I really wouldn't care if I passed out and never woke up at this point. I know that is bad to say but I feel like I am at the end of my rope, my last nerve. I just want to feel better. I want to be happy. I want to wake up each day looking forward to what life has to offer me. I want to be able to get away somewhere and relax without having to use all of my vacation time being sick. I want to be able to go to the coast for a weekend with the girl and treat her to a nice dinner. I just can't afford shit right now other than paying my bills and it's been a struggle. I always find a way to make it work but I don't want to have to keep bending over backwards to keep my head above water. Either let me drown or pull me from the water, damn it. I've lost all of my faith in religion, I've been a wreck to say the least.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? :(
This needs to change. I want to go back to my old self. I want to be happy again. I am tired of feeling suicidal, tired of feeling like not wanting to wake up. I won't hurt myself in any way intentionally, but all I want is for this to end. I haven't been able to really do anything that I like. My photography is pretty much non existent. I have lost the desire to to do anything with my camera. I have considered selling all of my gear and calling it quits but it is easy to think like that when you feel you have nothing. I feel that way a lot even though I know that it isn't true. It just seems that things pile up on me and keep piling up on me. I am lucky to have to good friends and roommates who genuinely care and have stuck by me regardless of my shortcomings or failure to keep promises when I haven't been feeling good. My girlfriend is amazing and cares for me so much and would do just about anything she could. My family is the same way.
But they can't fix this. I don't feel I can fix this. I know there are things that need to be done and I am doing what I can to do it. I am afraid of losing my job because of this. If that happens, I have no idea what the hell is going to happen next. I don't want to move to Bend and start over again. I don't want to leave behind 3 great people, 1 of them being the woman that I love very much. I can't do this to her. But what do I do? It's so hard. I have been watching stuff on the internet about things happening to people wishing it would happen to me. Sometimes I look so hard for a reason not to exist that it disgusts me. I hate the number of pills I have to take on a daily basis when I feel they do me no good. The anti depressants I am on... I think they are doing me more harm than good. Ultimately I feel lost, broken, confused, sad, worthless, used up, and dead to the world.
There's so much that I keep to myself because I just don't want to burden people with it. I can't really eat much and haven't been eating much. I used to have problems sleeping but I have had a problem with sleeping too much. I have no drive, no motivation, no fight left in me. I really wouldn't care if I passed out and never woke up at this point. I know that is bad to say but I feel like I am at the end of my rope, my last nerve. I just want to feel better. I want to be happy. I want to wake up each day looking forward to what life has to offer me. I want to be able to get away somewhere and relax without having to use all of my vacation time being sick. I want to be able to go to the coast for a weekend with the girl and treat her to a nice dinner. I just can't afford shit right now other than paying my bills and it's been a struggle. I always find a way to make it work but I don't want to have to keep bending over backwards to keep my head above water. Either let me drown or pull me from the water, damn it. I've lost all of my faith in religion, I've been a wreck to say the least.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? :(
That said, what you have to say isn't a burden for me, a perfect stranger, so I'm sure your loved ones understand. If I thought it were a burden, I wouldn't have added you. Your girlfriend just might feel a little helpless as far as what she can do for you.
I wish I could offer you some sound advice, but you're already on meds... maybe you need something different? What seems to work for me this time of year is my trusty light box. There are other things that can put you in a better mood, like getting outside and getting exercise, but I know how hard it is to find motivation where there is none. I was suicidal 10 years ago.
Things will get better. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can get back up, but it does get better. I've been where you are, hang in there. Just don't sell your photography equipment.